i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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