she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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