i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Green mimosas i think yes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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