just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
