you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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