And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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