We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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