...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
