hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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