My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
