I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
