I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I need a burrito and a hug.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
