She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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