If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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