The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
