I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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