"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
