I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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