just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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