I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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