Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
