if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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