Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
