Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
