i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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