You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
