I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize