My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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