I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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