woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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