Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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