Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
