you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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