Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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