I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
