Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
