There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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