She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
