Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
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I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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