Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
...so i touched it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
