dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
