I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
