smell my finger.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
