Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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