Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
