I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
