just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So squirting runs in the family.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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