I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
