Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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