My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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