I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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