Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
