News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
