I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
