Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
