Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
